Hey there! I know, it has been a while. Well, there is a reason for that. You see, I can be pretty freakin’ lazy when it comes to writing, sometimes. When I say sometimes, I mean most of my adult life. The first time I can remember being truly passionate about writing is when I was in the sixth grade. I would receive a one page writing assignment and turn in thirteen pages just because I loved writing. I was told one time that I was a prolific writer. I did not know at the time what they meant by that and just assumed they meant I was awesome. I have since learned it just meant that I wrote a lot. Like, “Hey kid you sure do write a lot.” It was not necessarily a comment on the quality of my work. Still though, I would love to just be prolific again, regardless of quality. So, why do I find it so hard to make time for it now that I am grown up?
It is still something I enjoy doing, to be sure, but it also takes time and some degree of mental effort to do well and I like to think I do it fairly well. That time and mental commitment can be a lot to ask of myself at the end of each day. At least, that is the particular excuse I am currently using. The excuse I used before just recently, was that I hated my job so much that it was making me depressed. To be fair, that was true; I did hate my job and it did cause me to be depressed a lot of the time. Most excuses, after all, do have some amount of truth to them. However, I now have a new job that I love. I shifted from a field I had no passion for to a field that I am eager to learn more of. I enjoy going to work each morning. Yet, I have somehow become even lazier when it comes to my writing. Just because an excuse is true, does not mean it is the real cause of something. This became apparent to me when the old excuse was rendered invalid by my career change and I simply came up with a new excuse. Sure, it is true that writing takes time out of my days and cannot be done on an empty brain, but that is not the reason I am struggling to make time for it. So, the question is, what is the reason?
It is a question that forces me to take a look at myself, specifically weaknesses of mine that I have always known were there. That is fine, as being self reflective is not terribly difficult for me. I actually kind of enjoy it. After all, being honest about one’s own shortcomings is the first step in becoming better. So, I started to look at these weaknesses and tried to identify the ones that were playing the biggest role in my lack of writing output. Though there are many to sift through and choose from, two stand out that have always caused me to not pursue my passion.
The first is my need for positive affirmation. This is a pretty basic need that I imagine just about everybody shares with me and is not in itself a weakness. However, I tend to pursue the compliments rather than concern myself with creating work that actually earns those compliments. I learn what it takes to get the positive affirmation and do the exact bare minimum in order to get it, rather than doing the work to earn it. I am like a dog that discovers it does not have to actually do its business in the yard, but can just prance around for a bit and get the treat. Later, when it actually feels like taking a dump, it does it all over the carpet, because what does it care, it already got its treat. I am that dog, just taking dumps on the carpet rather than taking my time to actually write something worthy of a treat.
So, I just keep chasing that affirmation and as long as I get that by doing the bare minimum, I can just keep putting off doing any real work. For me, Instagram has become that bare minimum. I can post a picture and a comment about how I will be posting something to my blog and get a few likes. It is not like I have a big following on Instagram, it is really rather small. However, it is enough to “scratch my belly” if I can return to the dog metaphor for just a moment. I started the Instagram account as a means to funnel more readers to my blog; the actual content I was producing. However, it became a quick, small fix for me and I stopped producing the actual content I had set out to create. There are lots of people who do wonderful things on Instagram with a photo. Me though? I am a writer, not a photographer. I need to be writing and my photos are not very good.
The other major weakness of mine that prevents me from pursuing my passions is my complete lack of willpower. There are things I know that I need to do to be a healthier person. I need to eat better (and much less). I need to workout more consistently. I also really need to write. When I do write, I feel better. It helps with stress; it helps with depression; it helps give me a sense of purpose. Knowing you need something, though and actually doing it are two different things that are separated by one little word: willpower.
Now, I am not always a lazy person. When it comes to things I know I have to do, I am pretty good at getting it done even if it takes some hard work. I have always had a good work ethic, thanks to my dad. However, anything that seems to me like an additive, rather than a requirement (you know like my physical and mental well being), I make excuses and justify not doing the work. Writing, unfortunately, has fallen into that category. So, just like with exercising and eating right, I get a sudden burst of motivation, do it for one maybe two days in a row, then nothing for weeks. I know that it will be good for me to do it. I know that once I do it, I will love doing it. I simply convince myself that it would be better to just sit on the couch or stay in bed.
That is what a lack of willpower will do. You end up following the path of least resistance. Would you like a little glimpse into my head right now? If not, maybe don’t read my blogs. If so, here it is. I recently developed a theory that all beings, just like water and any non-sentient thing, follow the path of least resistance. Essentially we do what is easiest for us. A firefighter, for example, runs into a burning building because it is easier mentally for them to do that than it is for them to turn their backs on someone who is trapped in a burning building. Upon further inspection of this theory, however, I have determined that it is just an attempt to justify my own tendency to choose the easiest path. Firefighters run into burning buildings because they are braver than I am. No amount of justification will change that.
So, what do I do with this information? If I am troubleshooting my life, then the aim has to be to actually change something. There is no point in pinpointing the problem, if I do not intend to implement a solution. As I mentioned earlier, it is easy for me to look at my own weaknesses. However, while pointing out a weakness in one’s self can be the first step in meaningful change, it can also be the first step in accepting one’s weaknesses as just the way things are. The latter tends to be the route I take, because it is the route with the least resistance. That is the link in the chain that must be broken for any of the self reflection to be worth anything. To me, that means I have to write. Even when I would rather stay in bed. Even when I would rather play a video game, or watch some tv. Even when I feel like I have nothing to say.
If you have read this far, I would like to thank you. I have to admit; I wrote this one more for me than for you, the reader. I know it is not the type of content this blog has been about. To tie it back to the spirit of the food blog, though, let me just offer up a mini review of this bit of self reflection I have done. It was alright. Shows room for improvement. For now; it is just words written on a screen. 3 out of 5 stars.
The “B”eer side:
Well; I have to have a “B”eer side. So here is my little review of the beer that went into this post. While writing, I had a Boulevard Major Volta, part of the Space Camper series. It is an Imperial IPA and as such was on the heavy side, though not as heavy as most imperials I have had. It is also not the hoppiest of IPA’s, but neither are any of the Space Campers I have had. What hops are there hit you up front, then the beer hits you with the dankness. I enjoyed it, but I did not really pick up on the fruitiness that is supposedly there. Overall, a good addition to the Space Camper series, but like the others in the series, it is not among my favorite of Boulevard’s offerings.
Eatin' to Know You, KC 